my almost answered prayer

Last year of 2011, I was devastated. Well, i guess I was way beyond devastated that I can't come up with a word to capture my state at that time.  It was the first time I actually felt that everything has come to an end between him and i. It was the first time, in almost 7 years that I lose hope, it was the first time I agreed with him that its not going to work.The distance, the time, the misfortune- the insufficient good luck has taken its toll on us. I was tired hoping and wishing and loving him so hard and I knew the best next thing I should do is to surrender. I cannot go on complaining to him because I know, just like me there's so little that he can do. I became angry, i curled into self pity, i cried in the shower. I did everything I could imagine but to let go.  I forgot when I actually raised my white flag but for so many years, I knew it is what God wanted me to do. I didnt regret the time i spent loving him and believe me, i stopped being angry at him. Honestly, there's this pinch of "what could've been" but I am sane enough to know that Im better than being a dream girl. I relied to myself that I can get past through this by being strong and by enjoying what I have and what I do not. I learned a lesson so valuable that the only person who can help you heal is yourself. And you will eventually know how to let go, how to let it all slip away and never holding on to bitterness. I am in the process of forgiving him and most importantly, of forgiving myself. I never share my most personal emotions to anybody else but instead, i doubled my prayer and i talk to God almost all of the time. I surround myself with good friends. i kept myself busy at work and trying new things like getting a tat! As time flies by, I learned how to live life without the thought of him. I didnt stop loving him but I learned how to live without him. It gave me a beautiful sense of relief to know that I can be happy being alone. I closed the year 2011 with  a strong conviction that Im not going to wait for nothing anymore. It's time to move on. Alone.

how do you keep your cool

You know girls. No, that’s a weak refutation. Well, I always admire people who could stand still, poise and calm amidst of disorder or whatever that is. There are people who could actually just do that. I can’t. And I know I have to work on it. Harder I guess.

I get angry right away and the problem with that is, I cant keep my mouth shut. Maya was kind enough to share me a mantra to always recite to myself before I let go of a word whenever I feel angry about someone or something; “Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.” It does actually help me. Quite a lot!

I learned that whenever you keep silent, you are making people think; sometimes crazy coz they will never know what’s goin on your mind. You could create a million thoughts and questions to their minds just by doing absolutely nothing. The perks? You are not hurting yourself nor anyone.

You have to stop caring less as well so that you can keep your cool. If you do that, their opinions wont matter anymore. Why not let go of being so busy about what people might think of you and just start doing what you really love. You gotta show the world who and what you are and this is a favor you’re doing for yourself and not for others.

There are lapses and instances in life that I can’t help but just blow up but I’ll do my best in any way that I can to just keep cool, as long as I can hold it. J

I wanna be a better person each day.

What do you love to do?

My first post for my new blog. The things I love to do. I could think of alot and i'll use enumeration:

1. i love lazy sunday afternoons
2. i love strolling around the mall alone
3. i love making people laugh and to laugh
4. i love to pretend stupid so that other will feel good about themselves
5. i love playing songs
6. i love to read
7. i love the beach and the book
8. i love mike
9. i love writing
10. i love colorful things
11. i love road trips
12. i love vegetables
13. i love clothes like crazy
14. i love to be recognized
15. i love photography
16. i love dreaming
17. i love to learn to swim and drive
18. i love my room
19. i love my dogs; Ishi and now with the 2 pups
20. i love nightimes