my almost answered prayer

Last year of 2011, I was devastated. Well, i guess I was way beyond devastated that I can't come up with a word to capture my state at that time.  It was the first time I actually felt that everything has come to an end between him and i. It was the first time, in almost 7 years that I lose hope, it was the first time I agreed with him that its not going to work.The distance, the time, the misfortune- the insufficient good luck has taken its toll on us. I was tired hoping and wishing and loving him so hard and I knew the best next thing I should do is to surrender. I cannot go on complaining to him because I know, just like me there's so little that he can do. I became angry, i curled into self pity, i cried in the shower. I did everything I could imagine but to let go.  I forgot when I actually raised my white flag but for so many years, I knew it is what God wanted me to do. I didnt regret the time i spent loving him and believe me, i stopped being angry at him. Honestly, there's this pinch of "what could've been" but I am sane enough to know that Im better than being a dream girl. I relied to myself that I can get past through this by being strong and by enjoying what I have and what I do not. I learned a lesson so valuable that the only person who can help you heal is yourself. And you will eventually know how to let go, how to let it all slip away and never holding on to bitterness. I am in the process of forgiving him and most importantly, of forgiving myself. I never share my most personal emotions to anybody else but instead, i doubled my prayer and i talk to God almost all of the time. I surround myself with good friends. i kept myself busy at work and trying new things like getting a tat! As time flies by, I learned how to live life without the thought of him. I didnt stop loving him but I learned how to live without him. It gave me a beautiful sense of relief to know that I can be happy being alone. I closed the year 2011 with  a strong conviction that Im not going to wait for nothing anymore. It's time to move on. Alone.